


sad admiration

by jjjeeessssss



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Ennoshita Chikara, Bisexual Nishinoya Yuu, Bisexual Yamaguchi Tadashi, Bittersweet Ending, Ennoshita Chikara-centric, Gay Tsukishima Kei, I'm Sorry, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Ennoshita Chikara/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, One-Sided Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Pining, Pining Ennoshita Chikara, Pining Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yamaguchi Tadashi in Love, Yamaguchi Tadashi-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:42:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28741206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjjeeessssss/pseuds/jjjeeessssss
Summary: Yamaguchi and Tsukishima are close, everybody knows that. And Yamaguchi deeply admires and respects Tsukishima. Apparently, it’s a little bit more than that.
Relationships: Ennoshita Chikara & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 12
Kudos: 48





	1. alone

It was obvious that Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were very close to one another. They were almost always together, and Tadashi was always excited to be with Kei. He had such a bright smile when speaking, and he was also one of the only people allowed to say  _ Tsukki _ . Kei didn’t show much of a difference in character when talking with anybody, besides annoyance when with Hinata and Kageyama. But he was just slightly less meaner when with Tadashi.

Every once and awhile, the first-years decide to meet in somebody’s classroom or somewhere on the field so they can have lunch together. Hinata usually forces Kageyama, and Tadashi has to do the same with Kei, but the two eventually give in to the excitement of the others. This afternoon, they were in Yachi’s class. Hinata and Kageyama sat near her desk, while Kei and Tadashi leaned against the windowsill close by.

They weren’t talking about anything too pressing, Kageyama and Kei weren’t listening much to begin with. Tadashi chimed in every now and again, but Hinata did most of the talking, while Yachi responded with short and shy answers. Everybody's attention was caught away from the conversation, though, when a girl from Kei and Tadashi’s class came up to the group with her hands behind her back and a nervous look across her face. Tadashi smiled and greeted her, then she bowed apologetically for interrupting their lunch. After a few shared words, she mentioned how she wanted to speak with Kei.

They all looked over to him, who was still engrossed in his phone. He hadn’t even noticed the girl standing by Yachi’s desk. He only looked up when Tadashi tapped his arm. Tadashi nodded to the girl when Kei looked at him annoyed, then he turned and saw her fidgeting awkwardly. Kei took off his headphones and let them sit around his neck as he waited for her to speak.

“C-Can we talk…?”, she asked shyly. “It won’t be long, I just have to tell you something.”

Kei stayed wordless as he handed Tadashi his phone and headphones. The other took them without question, and Kei nodded towards the door. She hurried outside, him trailing behind.

Tadashi watched them disappear out of the room, and once they were gone, Hinata and Yachi looked at each other. “Do you think she’s gonna confess to him?”, Hinata asked excitedly.

Yachi shrugged, smiling at him. “Maybe.”

Hinata looked up to Tadashi from his seat. “Does Tsukishima get confessed to often?”

Yamaguchi shrugged, but in a different way than Yachi had. He wasn’t excited, he wasn’t happy—he was terrified. Even if Kei didn’t like girls (which he didn’t), Tadashi couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if, by some chance, Kei ended up getting a girlfriend.

If Tsukki ended up dating someone, what did that mean for Tadashi? It sounded so selfish, but he couldn’t shake the thought away. He’s heard horror stories of best friends splitting apart, no matter how long they had been friends prior, all because of a significant other getting in the way. He sighed to himself, his shoulders falling.

Yachi and Hinata looked confused. “Are you okay?”, Hinata asked.

Tadashi’s hold on Kei’s things tightened. “Mm…yeah.”

Kageyama finally looked up from his seat. “He’ll probably just say no to her.”

“Probably.”

Yachi’s head tilted to the side. “You and Tsukishima are pretty close, right?”

Tadashi nodded. “Yeah.”

“I’m sure if anything were to happen with her, he would stay your friend.”

That wasn’t all of it. “I guess so.”

“Don’t be so down, Yamaguchi!”, Hinata cheered. “At least one of us might get a girlfriend.”

“I don’t know why  _ you _ would want a girlfriend when all you think about is volleyball,” Kageyama muttered. “You wouldn’t be a good boyfriend.”

“Same with you!”, Hinata argued.

“Did I say that I’d be a good boyfriend?”

Hinata growled, but turned back to Tadashi when he heard Yachi speaking. “Tsukishima really cares about you,” she said.

“Which says a lot being that it’s Tsukishima,” Kageyama added.

Tadashi glanced at him then back at Yachi. “He kind of has a point. He’s never been mean to me, but he isn’t much of a people person. But he always likes being around you, you can just tell.”

Tadashi smiled softly. “I like being around him, too.”

“We can tell,” Hinata laughed.

Tadashi giggled quietly. “Yeah, I guess I’m kinda obvious with my feelings.”

Hinata and Yachi both furrowed their eyebrows. Hinata blinked. “Feelings?”, he asked. Kageyama looked back up, one of his eyebrows arched up in confusion.

Tadashi froze. He thought that’s where they were going with the conversation. Maybe not? This is why he felt so hopeless without Kei. He couldn’t go five minutes alone without saying something stupid. He gulped. What was he supposed to say now? He didn’t even know if any of them were okay with him being bisexual. Kei was the only person who knew, and he wasn’t planning on telling anybody else until he was a second-year, or maybe the end of this third-year.

“Yamaguchi?”

Tadashi blinked, meeting Hinata’s eyes worriedly.

Hinata was…smiling?

“You like Tsukishima?”

Tadashi blinked a few more times. “You’re…not mad?”

“ _ Mad _ ?” For once, Hinata made Tadashi feel stupid about a question. “Why would we be mad?” He smiled wider. “You have a crush! Why didn’t you tell us sooner!”

Yachi clapped her hands. “Thank you for telling us!” She beckoned him to come closer to her seat, so he crouched beside her to hear her hushed voice. Hinata leaned in to hear, and Kageyama was staring at them from his seat, unmoved, but annoyed that he couldn’t hear. “You know,” she started, trying to contain a giggle of embarrassment, “I actually thought that you and Tsukishima-kun were dating when I first met you two.” She giggled again and Hinata laughed as he backed up in his chair.

This was a normal occurrence, Tadashi was finding. She wasn’t the first person to think he was dating his best friend. Kei’s entire family had thought they were dating not too long ago. When Kei had come out, his brother immediately asked if he was dating Tadashi, and he only found out when Akirteru told him one day when they were studying at Kei’s house. Tadashi still wasn’t sure if the blush that appeared on Kei’s cheeks was from embarrassment because he actually  _ did _ like Tadashi, or if he just thought the idea was stupid. Tadashi always assumed it was the second one. It seemed impossible for Kei to feel the same way.

Tadashi straightened. “You did not.” He had to bite back his laughter to get his response out.

“I did!”, Yachi exclaimed.

Hinata laughed harder, and Kageyama was still staring with furrowed brows. He rolled his eyes when Hinata finally stopped laughing and wiped his eyes.

Tadashi caught Kageyama’s gaze when the latter asked, “Why would you like Tsukishima?”

Tadashi gulped as the other two first-years looked at him. Tadashi chuckled awkwardly. “I know, it’s kinda weird that I like guys.”

“Who knew you would be homophobic, Kageyama,” Hinata scoffed.

“You dumbass, I’m not!”, he protested. He shook his head, looking back at Tadashi. “It’s the liking Tsukishima part that’s weird to me. You’ve met him, right?”

Tadashi sighed happily to himself, leaning on the windowsill again. “Yeah…”

Hinata and Yachi both smiled big at the dreamy look in Tadashi’s eyes. “Awe!”, Hinata yelled. “You’re so cute when you think about him!”

Tadashi tried to hide his cheeks that were heating up. “Shush!”

Yachi looked at the door, seeing Kei re-enter the room. “He’s coming back,” she hissed to Hinata. Hinata gave Tadashi a wink and a thumbs up as he straightened in his seat, trying to act natural.

“Hi, Tsukki!”, Tadashi called, his voice threatening to crack with excitement. He cleared it, holding out Kei’s things to him. “Here you go!”

Kei rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so loud, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsukki!”

Hinata had to hide his face, turning his head to the side as he held in a squeal. Yachi giggled, brushing some hair out of her face as she went back to her lunch. Kageyama stayed with furrowed brows, confused as to how those two were so invested in whatever was going on.

~

When Kei had first gone back to Yachi’s class during lunch, Hinata tried to get more information out of Kei. At first, he asked if the girl had confessed to him, which he answered yes to, but then added how he rejected her because he didn’t like her. Hinata leaned out of his seat more and asked Kei a few more questions, mainly about if he liked anybody. Kei only glared at him, telling him to shut up and mind his own business.

While going back to their own class, Tadashi asked Kei more about what the girl had to tell him. He repeated that she confessed to him, and that he rejected her because he didn’t find any interest in her. Tadashi wasn’t too surprised because, well…it was pretty self-explanatory. Kei didn’t like girls, so there wasn’t much to talk about. He wasn’t mean to girls, of course. In fact, they were the only people he ever seemed to be genuinely nice to. When with Shimizu and Yachi, he always spoke respectfully to them, and never was harsh on them. Maybe that’s what drew so many to him. Tadashi never really had people confess to him, which he didn’t mind  _ that _ much. He didn’t like anybody else but Kei anyway. It  _ would _ be nice to have a bit more attention, though.

During classes, Tadashi’s gaze was constantly shifting over to Kei, who was either looking out the window bordly or scribbling something down in his notes. A few times, Tadashi got called out for not paying attention so he would apologize, then hide his embarrassed bright red face in a book. Kei didn’t give much of a reaction, just continuing with whatever he was doing.

When classes ended for the day, Tadashi went to Kei and they went to the club room to get ready for afternoon practice. “I should show you my serve!”, Tadashi said on the way. “I think it’s a lot better than last week! Just wait and see!”

Kei just nodded, not saying anything as he walked inside of the room. Tadashi smiled lightly to himself as they started changing. Tanaka, Nishinoya, Ennoshita, Hinata and Kageyama had been in the room, but there wasn’t much of a greeting. Hinata waved to Tadashi, who smiled back, and Ennoshita said, “See you in the gym,” to everybody before leaving the room. Nishinoya and Tanaka were too rowdy as usual and followed Ennoshita quickly, yelling after him. Then Hinata followed, wanting a piece of the action, and Kageyama rolled his eyes, only running after Hinata so he wouldn’t beat him to the gym.

Kei sighed at the scene, saying a mumbled, “They’re all ridiculous, except for Ennoshita-san,” and Tadashi giggled quietly. They were quiet as they walked to the gym, being the last ones to arrive.

~

The last time Tadashi had been hit in the head with a volleyball was middle school. He was attempting to receive the ball, but misjudged where to go completely and got bonked on the head, which was fairly comical to him and his team at the time.

_ This _ was not as funny. Sugawara was setting a ball to him for drills, and he was too busy caught up in his thoughts to notice. He had moved up, but when he jumped, the ball didn’t even come close to his hand. Instead it landed on his head, bouncing, then rolling away. Sugawara blinked at him. “Are you all right?”

Tadashi could feel his cheeks heat up. “S-Sorry, I wasn’t…paying attention, I guess.”

“Yamaguchi,” coach Ukai called from the side, “do that again.”

“Right,” he said. He grabbed the ball and went to the line, tossing it to Sugawara. Thankfully, he managed to actually spike it this time. After apologizing for the mess up again, he scurried to the back of the line.

Kei eyed him. “What was that about?”

He blinked a few times, biting on his bottom lip. “Yachi-san said something weird at lunch today, uh…and it’s been a weird day, I guess.”

“What did she say?”

_ “But he always likes being around you, you can just tell.” _

Tadashi opened his mouth. “Uh…”

_ “You know, I actually thought that you and Tsukishima-kun were dating when I first met you two.” _

“Uh…well, she said…ah, she knows that I’m bi. So do Hinata and Kageyama.”

Kei blinked, a bit confused. “Did they say something rude about it?”

“N-No! Um, they…were okay with it, which I guess hasn’t sunk in yet.” He waved a hand in the air like he was shooing the thought away. “But tomorrow’s Saturday so I’ll have more time to think about it then, I guess.”

“Whatever you say.” Kei turned back around.

Tadashi got hit with three other balls during that practice.

~

Tomorrow morning was just as weird. Something about it felt surreal, like it wasn’t happening at all. Tadashi had gotten up, gotten ready for practice, then met Kei to walk together. It was their normal routine, but something about today just…he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Something good about practice, though, was how amazing his jump float serves were! They had never been so clean and precise! The team kept complimenting him on them, and Nishinoya kept trying to receive them. Most of the time he messed up and grinned at Tadashi, telling him to serve another. Tadashi happily did. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this good about himself at practice.

But…

Tadashi almost got hit in the head again. He wasn’t sure who spiked the ball, and he hadn’t even realized how close he had been standing, but somebody luckily grabbed him out of the way. He looked to his left to see Kei.  _ He _ was the one to pull Tadashi out of the way, and their hands were still connected from it. Tadashi’s heart was racing in his chest and he was afraid that the team could hear it.

Kei gulped, pulling his hand away and nudging Tadashi’s shoulder. “Be more careful.”

The gym was silent, and Tadashi only realized it when he heard Nishinoya and Tanaka obnoxiously laugh. The team turned to them and Tanaka pointed to the two. “Who knew we’d see the day when Tsukishima would show affection towards somebody!”

Hinata was holding back his laughter, as were a few other members of the team. Ennoshita eyed Tanaka, hitting him on the back. “Leave them alone.”

Tadashi’s face somehow grew brighter and Kei looked a bit apprehensive from the sudden attention. It melted away when Sawamura clapped his hands together and told everybody to get back to practice. As Kei walked towards the net to practice a few blocks with Narita and Hinata, he shot Tadashi a smile. A sweet one, too. Tadashi had never seen him smile like that. He gulped, picking up the ball that had almost taken his head off, and walking to the back of the court to hit a few more serves.

~

Tadashi and Kei were going to Tadashi’s house to study after practice. Kei was unusually talkative today. He didn’t talk for the entire walk, but he talked more than he usually did. Tadashi brought it up, and Kei just shrugged, saying he felt a bit happier on this particular day. But he didn’t say why.

Today was going well, honestly. It was strange to say, but Tadashi thought it was going to be weird following what happened yesterday at practice. Instead, he was happy with the outcome of the day so far. That save today made him think about how close he and Kei were. And it made him think of what Yachi said to him again.  _ “But he always likes being around you, you can just tell.” _

Tadashi barely remembered stepping into his bedroom, but suddenly he and Kei were there, putting their things down. He noticed he forgot to open the blinds to his windows, so he went to it, letting in sunlight, as Kei sat on the bed. Then he asked to skip studying. Tadashi turned around, shocked. Kei  _ never _ skipped studying. It wasn’t that he actually liked it, but he did prefer to be on top of his schoolwork to make sure he knew the material. They always studied together on Saturdays so for him to want to skip it was just…it was weird, and added to the strange feeling Tadashi had been feeling since he woke up.

They were sitting on his bed, scrolling through their phones while making smalltalk. Then Tadashi looked over at Kei. “What are you doing?”

“Making you a playlist,” he answered.

He locked his phone, putting it on his bedside table. “You already made me one, though.”

“That was from last year because you wanted me to make you one, but now I’m actually going to try and think one out for you.”

Tadashi smiled sweetly. “Thanks, Tsukki!”

Kei smiled back at him. Then it faltered when Tadashi’s smile went away and he blinked in surprise. Kei tossed his phone aside and sat up. “What is it?”

“Can I tell you something?” It came out before he could stop it.

Kei suddenly looked nervous. “Yeah, of course. What is it?”

There was something telling Tadashi to quickly make up a lie, and back out of what he was about to do. Like what he did in practice the day before, about what Yachi said. But he didn’t want to hide this anymore, especially when Kei was in such a good mood. He had been so caring and kind today, and it just…it didn’t feel real. Tadashi ignored whatever was in him, telling him to stay quiet about his feelings. He had confidence in himself and didn’t want it to go to waste.

Tadashi adjusted the way he was sitting. “We’ve been friends for awhile, right?”

Kei nodded. “Yeah.”

“And…we trust each other a lot, right?”

“Yeah.” His eyebrows furrowed. “Tadashi, what are you trying to say?”

“I don’t wanna be just friends anymore…I-I…I want to be more. I want to be your boyfriend, and I want you to be mine.”

Kei just looked at him for what felt like forever. Even if this didn’t go well, at least Tadashi could say that he tried. He never imagined that he would build up the confidence to tell Kei, his best friend since elementary school, how he truly felt about him. It felt so surreal, but his shoulders at least felt lighter with the information out in the open now.

Tadashi gulped at Kei’s silence, fearing that he should have listened to that invisible force from before. The quiet was deafening. It was  _ terrifying _ . If this went wrong enough, he could lose Kei forever. Maybe he should have thought this whole thing out further. “T…Tsukki?”

Kei grabbed either side of Tadashi’s face fast, leaning over him as he pressed a strong kiss to his lips. Tadashi’s eyes were wide open, staring up at Kei’s desperate face. Was it desperation? Maybe it was relief, instead. The blond pulled away and breathlessly said, “I thought you’d never tell me,” and pressed another quick kiss to Tadashi’s lips.

Tadashi continued to stare up at him. What was he supposed to say? What the hell was he supposed to answer with? Kei backed up slightly, letting the other sit up.

Tadashi slowly moved, scared that the slightest movement would screw everything up. He met Kei’s eyes, panting lightly. Then his lips parted to say, “I like you,” in almost a whisper.

Kei smiled at him. “I like you, too.”

Tadashi’s fears melted away at the smile. He inhaled, returning it, and then it turned into a wide grin. “I like you!”, he repeated. “Oh, my  _ God _ , Tsukki, I like you so much!”

Kei chuckled, grabbing the sides of Tadashi’s face again. He peppered kisses on his freckles, his nose, his forehead, his chin—just everywhere he could as Tadashi giggled into the touches. He went to lean on his hand to balance himself, but leaned too far back. His hand missed the bed and he fell backwards in the middle of Kei trying to give him another kiss to his lips.

Tadashi yelped loudly as he and Kei fell backwards. The former landed on his back, with Kei to his side.

_ THUD! _ Tadashi was looking up at the ceiling. He blinked a bit, noticing the room suddenly looked a bit darker. He figured it was just the angle he was lying in, and flipped himself onto his side, looking in Kei’s direction. “Are you okay Tsukki?”, he asked tiredly.

He was dumbfounded to see nobody there.

Tadashi sat up, looking to his other side, confused. “Tsukki?”

He blinked at the empty space next to him. Wait… _ what _ ? Nobody was over there either? Did what just happen… _ not _ actually happen? Had he just dreamt all of it?

Tadashi got onto his knees, peering over his bed. “Tsukki?” He got to his feet, looking over to the other side. “Tsukki?”

He noticed that the blinds to his windows were closed. Didn’t he already open those? He went to them. There was no way he could have imagined everything with Kei. He was hoping to see sunlight as he slowly opened the blinds.

But outside, it was still dark out.

But wasn’t it Saturday afternoon? And practice had just ended, right? Kei went over to Tadashi’s house to study with him and spend the day together, right?  _ Right _ ? Had he seriously imagined all of it?

Tadashi felt a tear roll down his cheek. He hadn’t confessed to Kei, and Kei hadn’t returned his feelings. They didn’t share a sweet kiss, they didn’t tell each other how much they liked each other, and it wasn’t even the right time of day. He hadn’t even gone to practice yet. Did that also mean his jump float serves weren’t that good either? Today was already looking bad and he hadn’t even stepped out of his bedroom yet.

How would he even face Kei at practice?

Then his eyes widened and his eyebrows rounded up. Practice! He checked his phone for the time quickly. “Dammit!”, he cried. He was late to practice!

When he finally arrived and apologized to the team, Kei told him in private how he would have called to see where he was, but figured there would be no response so he didn’t bother. Tadashi just nodded sadly, trying to smile, but a frown took over. Tadashi and Kei didn’t study that day, Tadashi told him he wasn’t feeling well so they split ways on the walk home. Kei didn’t show much of a reaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoped you enjoyed!! Thanks so much for reading!  
> I meant to write this AGES ago! I had the idea back in November, started writing and gave up on it, but then last night I looked at it again and decided to give it a go. I’m pretty happy with the result, hope you are too :)


	2. not alone?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unlikely friendship.

Chikara hated lunch. Food was nice, yeah, but hearing Ryuunosuke constantly talk about Shimizu made him want to throw himself out of a window. And he was standing pretty close to one, too, so he was seriously considering it.

Nishinoya wasn’t nearly as annoying about Shimizu. He didn’t shut up either, but hearing Ryuunosuke go on about her made Chikara’s blood boil more and he didn’t know why. Well, he _did_ , but his friends didn’t.

He respected Shimizu, no doubt about that. She was beautiful, she was smart, and she was a very nice person. He didn’t feel the same way about her as most of the team did, though. They always seemed to swoon over her and lose their train of thought, and forget how to speak. That didn’t happen to him, but he wished it did. That way things would be a bit easier for him. He would be able to relate to somebody on the team at least, and not be completely alone with his feelings.

Chikara hadn’t realized how hard he had been clenching his jaw until Kinoshita tapped his shoulder. “You’re gonna break your teeth.”

Chikara blinked at him. “What?” He had been blocking out the conversation since Ryuunosuke had started talking about Shimizu.

“Are you okay?”, Narita asked from next to Kinoshita.

“Yeah, you look weird,” Kinoshita said.

Chikara rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”

“Yo, Chikara,” Nishinoya started, “what’s wrong with you?”

“Bad day,” he said shortly.

“Clearly,” Kinoshita chuckled. “What happened?”

Chikara leaned into the windowsill he was standing by. “Don’t wanna talk about it.”

Ryuunosuke looked at him with an arched brow. “You sure, Ennoshita?”

Chikara met his eyes and his expression softened. Ryuunosuke’s eyebrows were furrowed in concern and his head was tilted to the side slightly. “Yeah, I’m okay. I should be fine by the end of the day.”

Ryuunosuke grinned at him. “Well, if you ever wanna talk about it, you know where I am.” Chikara smiled back softly, then watched as Ryuunosuke turned to Nishinoya, picking up their conversation from before. “Guess what Kiyoko-san said to me this morning, by the way?”

Chikara’s smile dipped back into a frown and he rolled his eyes, walking towards the door of the classroom. Narita glanced at Kinoshita, who called to him. “Hey, where are you going?”

“Bathroom,” he answered without looking back at the four.

Narita and Kinoshita eyed each other, and Nishinoya looked from Ryuunosuke to Kinoshita. “Are we sure he doesn’t want to talk about it?”

Ryuunosuke looked in the direction Chikara left in, a frown across his face. Was it something he said?

~

Chikara didn’t know where he was going to go, but it was definitely not the bathroom. He needed to be by himself for the rest of the break. And when it was time for class, he would explain to Narita how the bathroom was crowded and it took awhile. For now, though, he needed to be away from people so he didn’t accidentally snap at someone (or throw himself out of a window).

Unconsciously, he walked towards the gym. He hadn’t realized until he was passing the building with all of the clubrooms. He shrugged and continued walking anyway. Maybe he could sit behind the gym by himself for a little bit, or hide away in the clubroom if it happened to be opened. It probably wouldn’t be, though.

After figuring that it would be better to avoid climbing an extra flight of stairs to just have to walk down it, he swung around the side of the gym. He just wanted to sit down, and the back of the gym had a grassy area that nobody was near.

His eyes widened slightly, though, when he saw somebody sitting on the ground already. He stopped for a brief moment. It looked like the person was a male student, and he had his forearms resting on his knees with his face turned in the other direction slightly. He looked defeated and Chikara decided he would just walk past whoever it was and continue walking around the school for a bit. But as he neared, he noticed a familiar dark green hair style. He stopped again, blinking. “Yamaguchi?”

The first-year looked up quickly, his cheeks streaked with tears and his eyes puffy. “A-Ah, Ennoshita-san.” He gulped, turning away to wipe his face. “S-Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

“Don’t apologize.” Chikara glanced around then cleared his throat. “Are you okay?”

He nodded, sniffling pathetically. “I, um…rough day, I guess.”

Chikara nodded slowly, understanding. “You too, huh?” Yamaguchi looked up at him with concern, but his upperclassman was looking away to the side. There was an awkward silence then Chikara looked back at him. “Do you mind if I sit with you?”

Yamaguchi gulped. “N-No, here.” He scooted himself to the side. Chikara took a seat next to him slowly, hunching over a bit. He sighed quietly and Yamaguchi was looking at him with furrowed brows. “Are you okay? What are you doing over here?”

Chikara shrugged. “I needed some air.” He glanced at Yamaguchi. “What are _you_ doing over here? Don’t you usually have lunch with Tsukishima?” Yamaguchi’s bottom lip quivered as he looked away. Chikara jolted and held out a hand. “I-I didn’t mean to upset you, I was just curious,” he said quickly.

Yamaguchi shook his head, wiping at his face again. “No, it’s…”

Chikara looked sad for him. “Can I do anything to help?”, he asked.

“No, you can’t,” Yamaguchi answered, turning to face the second-year. He barely managed to hold eye contact.

“Did you and Tsukishima have a fight? He was at practice this morning, you two seemed fine.”

He shook his head. “No, he just…” Yamaguchi sniffed and groaned. “This girl went up to him the other day at lunch and confessed to him, and now there’s another girl confessing to him right now.” He chewed on his bottom lip momentarily before saying, “I like him so much.”

Chikara sighed, not because he was annoyed at Yamaguchi, but because he understood. Chikara hated that feeling of liking one of your closest friends and them not showing any signs of feeling the same way. He wouldn’t wish that on anybody. “I know what you mean,” he said softly.

Yamaguchi turned to him quickly. “You like Tsukki, too?”

Chikara blinked at him. “N-No, I mean…I know how you feel.” He leaned back on his hands with a heavy sigh. “I’m in the same boat as you. But not with Tsukishima.”

Yamaguchi licked his lips nervously. “Can I ask who it is?”

Chikara peered over to him. “Don’t make fun of me for this.”

“I won’t.”

Chikara sucked in a breath. “Tanaka,” he answered.

Yamaguchi blinked, not believing it. “ _Really_?”

“Hey, you like Tsukishima.”

“Fair,” he sighed. He looked back up. “How long have you liked him?”

“Since first-year. You?”

“Middle school.”

“That’s a long time.”

“I’ve known Tsukki for a long time.”

They were quiet for a moment. Chikara had never really spoken to Yamaguchi. He only knew him as a shy first-year on the team, but not much else. Of course, he was a very strong pinch server for the team and has done very well for them, but what else was there to him? Besides being Tsukishima’s best friend? Chikara eyed him for a moment, seeing him staring down at his hands sadly. It was truly a pitiful scene. The two of them, just sitting behind the gym, hiding from their friends because of a few feelings.

Chikara would have never guessed he would have something in common with Yamaguchi, of all people on the team. He was a nice kid, but was so different in the moment. But maybe that was because he was always around Tsukishima, putting on a brave face so he didn’t suspect anything was wrong. Chikara applauded him for being able to keep a smile on, he gave up trying to fake smiles awhile ago.

Now that he was thinking about it, though…Yamaguchi and him weren’t starting players on the team, they were fairly quiet, they were both smart and in more advanced classes, and they were both hopelessly in love with their best friends. Maybe there was more to Yamaguchi than just a first-year who was always at Tsukishima’s side, chuckling at whatever snarky comment he said. Chikara had never thought about that before, and he wanted to kick himself for it. Perhaps it would be good to try and get to know his underclassman, especially when knowing they had more in coming than expected.

“So…”, Chikara suddenly started. Yamaguchi turned to him again. “Does Tsukishima get confessed to often?”

Yamaguchi sighed, looking at his hands while nodding. “Yeah…He says no to all of them, though. He likes to focus on school.”

Chikara nodded. “Did you come outside to avoid it?”

“Yeah. Pathetic, right?”

“No.” He inhaled slowly. “Tanaka wouldn’t stop talking about Shimizu-san. I didn’t want to keep listening.”

Yamaguchi nodded. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Not that Tsukki really talks about people he likes, though…But I get what you’re saying.”

“Mm.” He looked at the grass below them then scoffed to himself. “Shimizu-san is a good person. She’s not mean, and she’s smart, and she’s absolutely gorgeous. It’s understandable why Tanaka would like her, it’s understandable why _anybody_ would like her. Yet, here I am, liking my friend rather than her.”

“It would be so much easier to just be straight,” Yamaguchi sighed.

“It would. And I’m not mad because I’m bisexual, I’m mad because I could have easily liked Shimizu, but instead my brain made me want Tanaka. And he’s _straight_.”

“It’s not fair.”

“I respect Shimizu, I don’t think she’s a bad person. I just wish Tanaka didn’t like her in the way that he does. Which is horrible to say because she makes him so happy.”

“I know. I’d be mad, too.”

Chikara shrugged.

“So, you’re bisexual too then?”

Chikara looked at him and nodded. “I’m guessing the ‘too’ means that you’re bi.”

Yamaguchi nodded back.

“Well, that’s something else we have in common, I guess. The part where we both like our friends is pretty shitty, though.”

“Definitely.” He waited a few seconds before asking, “Do you want me to walk with you back to class? The break will be over soon.”

He leaned his forearms on his thighs. “No, I think I’ll stay here for a bit longer.”

Yamaguchi nodded, standing slowly. He went to say goodbye, but stopped when he heard, “Where did you say you were going?” Yamaguchi furrowed his eyebrows at Chikara. “Before you came out here?”

Yamaguchi shrugged, his eyebrows relaxing. “Bathroom,” he answered.

Chikara let out a breath of air that sounded like a cross between a scoff and laugh. “Same.” He nodded in the direction of the school. “Go ahead. I’ll see you at practice later?”

Yamaguchi nodded again. “See you later.” He went to walk away, but quickly came to a halt, turning back to Chikara. “Thank you, by the way.” He gulped. “Thank you.”

Chikara smiled at him. Yamaguchi smiled back then left. Chikara felt a breeze go through his hair then looked up at the sky.

~

Chikara walked into class and the bell rang. _Lucky_ , he thought. Narita eyed him nervously, but Chikara just smiled lightly at him. He was still a bit upset from lunch, but talking to Yamaguchi made him feel a little better about the situation. At least he could talk to somebody else about it. During the first break between classes, Narita asked Chikara how he was doing, and he just shrugged. Nobody knew that he was bisexual (besides Yamaguchi now). To get into it now wouldn’t be very productive. There was only a few minutes in between classes so he wouldn’t even have enough time to get into it. He didn’t even like thinking about the situation much anyway.

Ryuunosuke was straight. There was absolutely nothing anybody could do to change that. He liked Shimizu, meaning that he had a greater chance of dating her than Chikara had of dating him. There was no point in acting on his feelings or indulging others in it when there was no chance of any sort of relationship other than friendship. And the friendship that they had now was good anyway, there was no purpose in messing it up with feelings everybody knew Ryuunosuke couldn’t reciprocate. It would only be one-sided, and nothing more. But Chikara could choose to wallow about them, which he hated doing because the whole thing was too dumb to feel sorry for, or he could work on getting over this as fast as he could. He _wanted_ to get over it and go back to just seeing Ryuunosuke as a friend. It would be best for everybody, wouldn’t it?

When it was time for practice, Ryuunosuke, Nishinoya and Kinoshita came to the class to walk with Chikara and Narita. Ryuu was the first person to speak and immediately asked Chikara if he was okay from lunch. Chikara could feel his cheeks heat up as he gulped and nodded. The grin Ryuu gave him almost made him lose his footing beneath him, but luckily he didn’t, because he had managed to make it to the clubroom without tripping on anything (besides a few walls and trash cans, to which Nishinoya laughed at, while Ryuu asked if he was okay through a few chuckles of his own).

Outside of the clubroom, Sawamura was waiting next to the door. He called Chikara to the side while the second-years were nearing the room. The rest of the second-years went inside as Chikara went to Sawamura. He was surprised to hear his captain say, “Are you alright? During lunch, Tanaka said you were having a bad day.”

Chikara blinked, a blush coming back to his face. “U-Uh, yeah, I’m fine now.”

“Okay, good, he was really worried. And if _Tanaka_ is worried, I figured it was serious.”

Chikara nodded, chuckling quietly. “Yeah.”

“Anyway, go get changed.”

Chikara nodded again, walking into the clubroom. Yamaguchi smiled at him when he walked in and Chikara smiled back. Then Nishinoya was slipping a shirt on and asking, “Was Daichi-san mad about something?”

“No, just asking me something,” Chikara answered.

He started to get changed and Ryuunosuke came up behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Good to see you’re doing better. See you down there.”

Chikara jolted but then smiled shakily at Ryuunosuke as he left the room with Nishinoya hurrying after him. Kinoshita and Narita left after them after Chikara said he would meet them downstairs. The door shut and Tsukishima, who was standing next to Yamaguchi, leaned against one of the walls. Yamaguchi looked up at him, his pants half on. “You can go down with them if you want.”

Tsukishima nodded. “See you down there. And hurry up.”

“Okay. Sorry to make you wait, Tsukki!”

“It’s whatever.” He left the room.

Chikara waited for the door to shut, and then inhaled. The quiet of the room was broken by Yamaguchi saying, “You seem better than you were at lunch.”

He looked over to the first-year and nodded. “Yeah, I’m feeling a bit better. What about you?”

“Could be better, but I don’t feel as bad as I did during break.”

“That’s good.” When there was another silence that fell between them, that’s when they both realized they were alone in the clubroom. Chikara wondered if it was okay to ask about the specifics regarding how Yamaguchi felt. They’d had a fairly personal conversation a few hours prior, so it probably wasn’t the worst idea. But was Yamaguchi comfortable with it? The last thing Chikara wanted was to make him uncomfortable.

“Tsukki turned the girl down,” Yamaguchi said after he finished changing.

Chikara’s head snapped back up and he turned to Yamaguchi. “That’s good,” he said hopefully.

“I expected it. He usually turns everybody down.”

Chikara nodded sadly. “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”

Yamaguchi smiled sadly at him. “And I’m sorry you have to, too. Anyway, we should probably get going.”

Chikara glanced at the door. He nodded again and walked to it, opening it for Yamaguchi. “Did we trade emails at the beginning of the year?”

Yamaguchi was halfway out the door. “I think so. Why?”

“Can we double check after practice?”

Yamaguchi nodded. “Yeah.”

Chikara nodded back. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, no problem. Uh, it’ll be nice to talk more.”

“It will.”

They walked to the gym together, the rest of the walk being close to wordless. It was awkward, but they both knew with a new friendship that tended to happen. Not that they were just meeting for the first time, but they had never spoken so much to each other. It would be nice to get to know the other more. And maybe they would be able to stop focusing on their situations so much, or it could even help them talk about it more and deal with it better. Either way, things were looking a bit better since lunch.

At the end of practice, they didn’t walk together. The second-years dragged Chikara away, and Tadashi opted to follow Kei. When everybody had finished changing, Tadashi was looking around for Chikara, his phone in hand. Kei watched him strangely, confused at his sudden quietness. He had been fairly quiet today in general, which wasn’t like him. Since Saturday, it seemed like there was something different about Tadashi he couldn’t place.

Chikara came downstairs with Kinoshita and Narita. The other two second-years were still upstairs with Hinata and Kageyama, talking about practice, and the first three were getting tired. Plus, Chikara had to talk with Tadashi. He had his own phone ready in his hand. Their eyes met immediately when he came outside. They smiled at each other, walking to meet the other, then meeting in the middle.

Quickly, they checked their contacts and showed the other the contact information, double checking to see if it was correct. Luckily, it was, and they split ways after saying goodnight to each other. Chikara walked away with Kinoshita and Narita, then Tadashi was standing next to Kei as he put his phone in his pocket. “You ready to go?”, he asked.

Kei nodded and eyed Chikara’s backside as he walked away. The two started walking after the second-years, keeping a distance in between them until the second-years turned down a different street. Kei’s hands were in his pockets, his headphones resting around his neck as usual. “What was that about, by the way? With Ennoshita-san?”

Tadashi looked up at him. “Oh, well, today at lunch, we ran into each other, and talked a bit.” He looked ahead. “I never thought I would have so much in common with him, but turns out we actually have a good amount in common.”

“Like?”

He faltered a bit, blinking. “Oh, well–“

“If it’s personal, don’t tell me.”

Tadashi nodded, shutting his mouth.

With the second-years, they were going to Chikara’s house first, his being closest out of them. Narita and Kinoshita eyed each other then stared at Chikara, who had been fairly quiet for most of their walk. “You’ve been kinda weird today,” Kinoshita said suddenly.

Chikara looked at him. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, you seem like you’ve been stressed about something. But after lunch, you’re completely different.”

“Are you sure everything is okay?”, Narita asked.

“You want me to be honest?”, Chikara asked.

“Well, yeah,” Kinoshita said.

“We won’t tell the others if you don’t want us to,” Narita assured.

“As long as you’re not harming yourself or anything like that.”

Chikara nodded. “Well…” He exhaled. “Yamaguchi and I talked at lunch. We ran into each other.”

“In the bathroom?”

He rolled his eyes. “Shut up, he’s really nice.”

“That’s not very surprising,” Narita muttered.

“Yeah, I mean it’s Yamaguchi,” Kinoshita added.

“We were able to talk pretty easily I guess,” Chikara explained. “That’s why we traded emails. After lunch, I felt a bit better, so…”, he shrugged,” I figured to make sure his contact information was the same from the beginning of the year. It would be nice to talk to him more.”

“That’s good. I’m happy that you’re feeling better,” Narita told him. “You were really out of it this morning.” They stopped in front of Chikara’s house. “You should just go straight to bed, though, you look tired.”

“Don’t I always?”

“Yeah, but I’m serious.

“It was weird seeing Tanaka so freaked out today, I don’t wanna see that again,” Kinoshita joked. “You should make sure you’re not weird tomorrow.”

Chikara rolled his eyes again. “Haha, very funny.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Narita sighed.

“Does anyone ever listen to me?”, Kinoshita laughed.

This time Narita rolled his eyes, then he looked at Chikara. “But seriously, take care of yourself.”

Chikara nodded. “I will,” he said earnestly. “Promise. I’ll see you tomorrow morning, thanks for checking up on me.”

“Well, you always check on us, figured someone should do the same for you.”

“Thanks.” He walked up the porch steps. “Goodnight, get home safe.”

“We’ll text you when we do.”

Chikara nodded and walked inside his house after seeing the two walk off. He went up to his room after eating a quick dinner with his family, and got ready for bed. He flopped on his bed and sighed heavily. What a day…

He looked over to his phone that was resting on his nightstand. The screen brightening caught his attention and he grabbed it. It had been enough time for Kinoshita and Narita to get home so maybe they texted him. But instead,

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: How are you?

Hey, did you get home ok?

A smile came to his lips and he happily replied.

  
  


From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: I’m good

Yep, I’m home right now!

I’m hoping you got home ok too?

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: empty

I did!

Soooooo…what’s upฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

Are you free to talk right now?

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

Yeah lol

I’m just sitting in bed right now. I’m also waiting for the second-years to tell me they got home. Those idiots like to worry me……

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: empty

That’s kinda funny ʕ •́؈•̀ ₎

I’m sorry for laughing.

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: ಠ_ಠ

Just wait, you’re probably gonna have to be the Sugawara of your year. It’ll be your responsibility to keep an eye out for everybody and make sure they don’t go crazy.

I have clearly failed my job.

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: -.-

I was hoping Yachi would take that job…I don’t think I’ll be able to keep Tsukki and Kageyama from bickering…

  
  


From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

Nope, the job will be yours.

You think they’re bad *this* year?

Just wait, it just gets *a lot* worse! :)

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: (;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`)

Fuck.

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: empty

Oh shoot, am I allowed to curse?

Do you care about that?

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: lmao

No I don’t, don’t worry.

Say all the vulgar words you want, you can’t be worse than Nishinoya…

Or Kinoshita……

Or all of the second years………

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: :0

Even you??

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

For the most part, yeah.

I’m not as bad as Nishinoya and Tanaka though. They kinda just yell whatever they’re thinking. Narita is the best out of them, he barely curses unless he’s stressed out or something.

Kinoshita will mumble whatever he’s thinking in practice though, mainly to be funny. That’s why Narita is always laughing at something, and everyone just stares at them, utterly confused.

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: speaking of Tanaka…

Yeah, sometimes I hear Kinoshita-san. And sometimes I laugh with Narita-san, not gonna lie.

But speaking of Tanaka, how are you doing? You know, from today?

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: Tanaka

Honestly……better.

I feel a lot better since talking to you. I don’t know what it is.

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: REALLY?? :0

Me too!!!! I thought it was just me!!

And I didn’t want to say anything because I thought you would find me creepy…

Was that creepy to say? Please be honest.

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

No, you’re fine! I get what you mean!

I don’t feel *completely* fine about the situation but I feel at least a bit better. Maybe it’s because I’ve been able to finally talk about this with somebody, especially someone who understands.

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: empty

Same here. I don’t usually talk about this. Hinata, Kageyama and Yachi know that I like Tsukki, but they don’t know how bad the situation is.

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

I mean…I wish I could say I understand what you mean, but you’re the only person who knows I’m bi so…………

I get what you’re saying, though.

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi 

Subject: WAIT A SEC (●’◡’●)

REALLY?????

NOBODY ELSE KNOWS???

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

Yep! You’re the only one!

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

…are you ok?

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: empty

Oh my gosh, I have so much responsibility now.

Thank you for trusting me!! (⊃｡•́‿•̀｡)⊃

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

You’re welcome lol

I mean…I told you because you said that you like Tsukishima, so I figured it was safe. But nobody else knows so…

Not even any of the second-years on the team, I haven’t thought about coming out in awhile.

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: Don’t worry!!

I won’t say anything!! I Promise!!

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

Thank you.

You’re a real one

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: ༼ つ ◕◡◕ ༽つ

OF COURSE!

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

You are very enthusiastic.

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: thank you hah

I’m also very sleep deprived

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: NO WAY

ME TOO LMAO

TWINS

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: BAHAH

HAHAH

:0 WHOA :0

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

ANYWAY lol

I’m gonna go to bed because I’m kinda tired. It was really cool talking to you today. Hopefully we can talk more tomorrow after practice.

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: :D

Yeah!! I had a lot of fun today!

And thank you for helping me during lunch, it was really nice of you!

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

You’re welcome! Also, I didn’t want to just leave you by yourself, you seemed really upset.

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: empty

I was, but now I’m feeling a lot better! Thank you again!

Goodnight Ennoshita-san!

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

Of course! And by the way, you can leave off the -san lol

But goodnight Yamaguchi!!

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: :0

Whoa, we’re at the no honorifics stage

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: lol

We are haha!!

Anyway, goodnight!! See you tomorrow at practice!

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: goodnight!!

Goodnight! See you tomorrow!

Chikara and Tadashi slept well that night. The next morning, Tadashi was a little happier when going to practice with Kei, while Chikara smiled the entire walk with the second-years. They were a bit confused because his entire mood changed in just one night, but they didn’t ask him about it. In the clubroom, Kei told Tadashi to go ahead by himself when he was still changing. Those inside were surprised to see Tadashi go up to Chikara, then watch the two of them walk down to the gym together. Nishinoya grinned to himself, glancing at the other second-years. “He seems a lot happier this morning.”

Kei eyed them then left the room. Ryuunosuke blinked a few times to himself. He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t a bit happier for Chikara, but he smiled anyway. “Yeah, he does.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, second chapter out quicker than expected! And updated tags!!! (and love for the second-years because they deserve it, they’re literally my favorite characters)  
> Honestly, this started out as a one-shot and then when I was about to finish chapter one I kept getting ideas, and was like “whoa what if Ennoshita was going through something like this too????” and just wrote all my ideas down.  
> The last chapter may be a lot longer than the first two, so heads up lol. I’m still finalizing ideas. This is the first time posting a multiple-chapter fanfic where I haven’t written all the chapters already and just posted this, so if this is a bit rushed I’m sorry 😔 But the next chapter will definitely take a lot longer to get done because there’s a good amount I wanna add into that.  
> Anyway, thank you for reading!!! I appreciate it!!


	3. completely alone.

The week was picking up nicely. Although not knowing each other for awhile, Chikara and Tadashi found it easy to rely on each other. Kei didn’t ask about it, it wasn’t his business. Tadashi wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not at this fact, but he tried not to pay attention to it. But it wasn’t so easy to ignore this on some days. Just because Chikara and Tadashi found someone who understood what they were going through regarding their friends and feelings, didn’t mean that those feelings just went away.

There were times where Chikara would have so much fun during the day, whether it was in between classes or during practice, but then he would leave knowing it wouldn’t get much better than that. Any playful punches to his shoulder from Ryuunosuke would remain that way, and wouldn’t have any deeper meaning. And during practices, he still had to watch Ryuunosuke go up to Shimizu, and talk to her with that dreamy look in his eyes.

When Tadashi noticed this, he would eye Chikara nervously from across the gym. Chikara tended to look away after a few seconds and meet Tadashi’s eyes. The first-year would send him soft and apologetic smiles, and Chikara would shrug, turning to another person to join a conversation, or he would walk over to Tadashi and join in whatever he was doing.

Tadashi was stuck with watching girl after girl go up to Kei and confess to him, just to see them get rejected. He always felt sorry for them, but couldn't help feeling relieved to know that Kei was still single. Tadashi was too afraid to confess himself, though. He knew it probably wouldn’t go well and he wasn’t ready to lose his friendship with Kei. Bottling up how he felt, however, wasn’t helping him in the slightest. There were nights after practice he would go up to his room in tears. How could somebody be so cursed as to fall in love with their best friend?

On rough nights like these, Chikara and Tadashi would find comfort in each other. There was nobody else they could talk to, and their friendship had started because of this. On Monday night, Tadashi texted Chikara as soon as he got home.

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: empty

Hey, are you home yet?

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

Yeah, what’s up?

From: Yamaguchi Tadashi

Subject: empty

I just need to talk to someone.

Am I able to call you?

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

Yeah, whenever you’re ready.

Tadashi called Chikara immediately, to which the other picked up immediately.  _ “Hey, are you okay?” _

“No, this day has been horrible,” Tadashi sighed, desperately trying to keep himself composed.

_ “Do you want to talk about it?” _

“I feel like if I do, I’ll cry. And I don’t want to cry.”

_ “When was the last time we really talked about stuff like this, though?” _

“Yesterday after practice.”

_ “That wasn’t really talking about it. We mentioned it, but never got into it. Maybe you just need to let it out. You may feel better.” _

“‘May.’”

_ “Come on, don’t be like that. I know it’s not fun to talk about, but you’ve been avoiding the topic for most of the week.” _

“Not true, I talked about it yesterday.”

_ “Not much, though.” _

“Why doesn’t he like me?”

_ “What?” _

“Tsukki. Why can’t he just like me? It’s so…it’s frustrating. And I have to watch girls keep going up to him and confessing to him. And I’m happy that he rejects them.  _ Happy _ . Isn’t that fucked up? That’s  _ horrible _ to think, yet here I am. I’m happy that he rejects people and hurts their feelings. I’m  _ that _ person.”

_ “Tsukishima isn’t the only person out there.” _

“But that’s who I want.”

_ “I know. I’m sorry.” _

“I shouldn’t even be talking about this, it just bums me out.”

_ “No, you can’t just not talk about it. It’s just going to bother you more, you know that. Just vent to me, I’ll listen, okay?” _

“I like him so much.” His voice cracked and he groaned, falling back on his bed. “It sucks! I just want him to confess to me and I want us to date. Is that so much to ask?”

_ “I know how you feel.” _

A few tears fell down his cheeks. “I want to get over this so badly, but it’s not working. I have class with him and then we go to practice together, and then we walk home together, and we study on Saturdays together. I’m around him all of the time, and I have to hide what I’m feeling everyday. I want this to go away! Why can’t I just see him as my friend?”

_ “Because he’s important to you. And I know that it’s hard, but it  _ will _ be easier.” _

“When!”, he sobbed. “When, because it just feels like it’s getting worse!”

_ “I wish I had an answer.” _

So did Tadashi.

~

The next morning at practice, Kei and Tadashi showed up at separate times. Kei showed up first, and Chikara wanted to ask him where Tadashi was, but Hinata beat him to it. With a shrug, Kei just said how Tadashi texted him a few minutes ago, saying how he was running late. Chikara knew Tadashi was lying, it was obvious after their conversation last night. He was around Kei constantly, so he was probably just trying to avoid seeing Kei at least once that day. Chikara didn’t blame him.

Chikara was waiting for Kinoshita and Narita to finish changing when Kei was leaving the clubroom. He opened the door and stopped, seeing Tadashi in the way, going to reach for the doorknob. They stared at each other for a few seconds then Tadashi moved out of the way for Kei, the former just walking past him without a word. Chikara let Kinoshita and Narita leave, opting to stay with Tadashi until he got changed for practice.

When the last two were leaving the room, Tadashi asked, “Can I have lunch with you today?”

Chikara blinked then nodded. “Yeah. Just don’t avoid Tsukishima too much today, okay?”

Tadashi nodded. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” He shut the door behind them. “I know it’s hard.”

“After we hung up last night, I couldn’t sleep much. So I overslept and I’m really tired.”

“I’m not asking you to explain, you don’t have to. Just do what you have to, okay? And if Tsukishima asks if something is wrong, you don’t have to tell him what’s going on, just don’t say that everything is fine.”

Tadashi nodded again. “I won’t. Thank you, Ennoshita.”

“Of course. And if you want to go behind the gym for lunch, we can.”

“Can we?”

“Yeah.” They were walking inside of the gym. “We’ll talk more about this then.”

~

Behind the gym was full of tears from both boys. Tadashi had a feeling he would have cried again if given the chance, but both him and Chikara didn’t expect Chikara to cry. Their situations really did suck. They were in love with their best friends and couldn’t do anything about it. And they could barely talk about it with anybody else because they were so embarrassed by how pitiful it was. They talked until they couldn’t breathe, they leaned on each other for support (both figuratively and literally), and then they quickly composed themselves at the end of the break so they could look presentable in class. They were silent, except for a few pathetic sniffs, as Chikara walked Tadashi to his class before going to his own. They were fairly quiet for the remainder of the day.

Luckily, not all days were this hard. There were very rare moments where Chikara and Tadashi were able to enjoy their time with Ryuunosuke and Kei without feeling utterly distraught afterwards. Those moments were their favorites. And some days the two didn’t talk about their feelings because they had other things to discuss. One night, it was Thursday after practice, the boys had been talking over the phone, too tired to text back and forth. And Chikara asked, “How many people know that you’re bisexual?”

Tadashi blinked, taken back by it.  _ “Well, there’s Tsukki, and the other first-years. And you. I haven’t told my parents, I’m too scared. And I was thinking of telling the first-years at a later date, but it kind of just…came out on it’s own, I guess.” _

Chikara leaned back in his chair at his desk. “When did you tell them?”

_ “A little bit before we started talking. We were talking about Tsukki, and it just kinda slipped out. I thought they had figured out I liked Tsukki so I said I was obvious with my feelings, and they were confused, and then we talked about it a bit.” _

“Were they okay with it?”

_ “Definitely. I was surprised that they were so chill, but I guess I wasn’t  _ that  _ surprised. Yachi-san and Hinata were really excited to talk about it with me, and I guess I was most surprised that Kageyama wasn’t weird about it. Then again, I can’t see him being very against it.” _ He paused.  _ “Why do you ask?” _

Chikara tapped a finger on the wood of his desk. “No reason, just curious.” He pushed a few of his books to the side, leaning forward. “Sorry if it was a bit personal.”

_ “No, not at all! I was happy to tell you.” _ He paused again.  _ “Have you told anybody else about you yet?” _

“No. I wanted to tell more of my friends, but I don’t know how they would react.”

_ “I feel like they would be fine with it. Like, Nishinoya-san would definitely be okay with it, and then Kinoshita-san and Narita-san are really close with you so I feel like they wouldn’t mind either.” _

“Yeah, but what if they do? I don’t know if I want to risk my friendship with any of them.”

_ “If they’re against it, then they’re not worth it. I know it’s really scary, but you can definitely do it. If you decide to tell them, that is. I’m not going to force you into anything. It’s really nerve-wracking, especially when not a lot of people know.” _

He sat up. “Was Tsukishima the first person you told?”

_ “He was. We came out together. Oh, shoot! He’s still closeted, don’t tell anybody that I told you.” _

“I won’t!” Chikara scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “I don’t think I’d ever really tell anybody, though. Not yet, at least. I just can’t see myself coming out.”

_ “I felt the same way. I only wanted to tell Tsukki because he told me. But with the first-years, I was going to wait. But I  _ will _ tell you this: When you tell somebody and they accept you, that feeling of relief…it’s really nice.” _

Chikara nodded slowly. He thought for a second. If he told his friends and they accepted him, he would be able to be a bit more open with them. And he loved that idea of being able to share a part of himself with those he trusted most. But if they  _ didn’t _ …he didn’t even want to think about it. It was daunting to think about losing his best friends. He had been through a lot with those four, even if he had only known them for about a year. But time together didn’t matter much, experiences together did, and he knew that.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when Tadashi asked him,  _ “Have you ever thought of telling anybody recently? Like, last year maybe?” _

“Well…not since I told someone in middle school that I liked him and he freaked out about it.”

_ “Oh…I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” _

“I know, it’s okay. But it doesn’t bother me much anymore. It just scared me, I guess, so now I try not to think about it much anymore. But, I mean…since we started talking more, I’ve been thinking about telling my brother. I feel like he would keep it a secret if I told him. He’s still in middle school, though, so I may wait to tell him until he starts high school.”

_ “It’s good to think about it. Yeah, it’s really scary, but I think that if you start somewhere small, it’ll make everything else a bit easier as time goes on. Not that coming out is a small thing, but you know what I mean, right?” _

“Yeah.”

_ “Okay, good. And everybody’s coming out experience is different, so we could have two complete opposite reactions, which is okay. Not everybody is going to be okay with it, but those people aren’t worth it, you know? If they want you to hide part of yourself, it’s not fair to you.” _

He nodded again. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s just really…kinda scary to think about. Because I’m so close to them, and I seriously care about them. I can’t really imagine not being their friends.”

_ “Well, maybe that’s a sign that they would be accepting. I think they would be okay with it, but there’s really no way of knowing until it happens. But, also, don’t feel pressured to do it. You may never feel perfectly comfortable with telling them, but you’’ probably feel slightly more confident with telling them. Does that make sense?” _

“It does.” He smiled lightly to himself. “It really helped, Yamaguchi, thank you.”

_ “Of course! Sorry for kind of rambling, though…” _

“Don’t apologize, I appreciate it.” He looked at the digital clock on his desk. “Oh, jeez, it’s almost 2am.”

_ “No, it’s not.” _

“Yes, it is, unless my clock is wrong.”

_ “Jesus, we’re gonna be exhausted tomorrow.” _

“You mean in a few hours?”

_ “Yeah…we better get to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow, Ennoshita.” _

“Goodnight, Yamaguchi.” He hung up the phone and sighed to himself. What Tadashi said didn’t leave his mind for the entirety of Friday.

~

On Friday, Tadashi was with Kei, while Chikara was with the other second-years. He was quiet like he usually was. But he wasn’t paying attention to what his friends were saying, he kept thinking about his conversation with Tadashi the night before. He tried to think of different outcomes of telling everybody. He had the perfect opportunity on Saturday, which wasn’t far away, but it also seemed rash to him to tell them. The second-years planned on studying together, and it would just be the five of them at Chikara’s house. His parents said they’d give them all their space for the day, and his brother was going to be out all day with friends. He wouldn’t have to risk anybody overhearing, and he would have his friends’ full attention.

Once the thought of telling them the next day was in his head, it didn’t leave. He was sitting on one side of the table alone, checking on everybody periodically to make sure they were staying on track and understanding the material. Nishinoya would sometimes talk to Ryuunosuke and get the two of them off topic, but were surprised when Chikara didn’t tell them to get back to work. Kinoshita and Narita were on the same side of the table, whispering to each other and doodling on each other’s papers.

It had been two hours, and time to talk was running out. It was now or never. At least it felt that way. Chikara had to do something, he had to open his mouth. He needed to do this, and it would be a good start with telling people about him. And Tadashi had said there was a good chance of the second-years being okay with this, and he would never know until he said something.

With a heavy gulp, he asked, “Can we take a break?”

The room froze. They all looked up, pushing away papers to stare at Chikara in disbelief. Chikara looked around at them, blinking. “What?”

“What did we do?”, Ryuunosuke asked nervously. “What’s wrong?”

Chikara blinked at him more. “Nothing? I just need to tell you something.”

Nishinoya’s arms were crossed. “Yeah, but  _ you _ never ask for a break. You give us less break time whenever we ask for one.” He narrowed his eyes. “Are you  _ sure _ nothing’s wrong?”

Chikara shook his head. “I-I’m fine, I…I have to talk to you about something.”

“Did we do something wrong?”

“No, I just need to tell you something.”

“Is it about why you’re suddenly so close to Yamaguchi?”, Kinoshita asked.

Nishinoya nodded. “Yeah, what’s up with that?”

Chikara shook his head again. “No, it’s not about that, but–“

“Is it about what was going on last week?”, Ryuunosuke asked.

“No, it’s–“

Nishinoya cut him off. “What about–?”

“Why don’t we just let him say what it is?”, Narita suggested.

The four looked at him, silent again. Nishinoya nodded slowly. “Yeah, I guess that’s a good idea.”

The others nodded and relaxed in their spots as Chikara sighed. “Thank you, Narita.” Narita nodded to him, then Chikara looked around at them. “Okay, so…” How was he supposed to word this? He hadn’t thought about what he was going to say, just how the others would react. Maybe this was a sign that this whole idea was dumb and should be put away for a later date.

Kinoshita crossed his arms. “Are you gonna say it or what?”

Chikara looked at him. “Y-Yeah, uh, I just, um…” He decided to just go for it. “I’m bisexual.” He swallowed. “Yeah, I’m…bisexual.”

“You are? That’s it?”

“What do you mean ‘that’s it?’”

Kinoshita shrugged. “I don’t know, just…we thought you were dying or something.”

“I wish I were dead right now with the way this conversation is going…” He looked around, trying to understand what the others were thinking. Nishinoya’s expression was the most concerning, which was ironic considering how Tadashi said that he would most likely be the most accepting.

“You’re bisexual?”, Nishinoya asked.

Chikara nodded quickly and nervously.

Suddenly, Nishinoya’s face was changed: he had a wide smile on his face and was sitting on his knees, leaning on the table they were sitting at with excitement. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner!”

Chikara fell backwards. “W-What?”

“We coulda been talking about guys ‘n shit, Chikara!”

He blinked. “ _ What _ ?”

Nishinoya’s face relaxed as he sat on his bottom again. “Are you really surprised by the fact that I’m bi, too?”

“You are?”, Kinoshita asked.

Chikara sat up. “Really?”

“ _ Yes _ !”, Nishinoya exclaimed.

“Wait, you’re both bisexual then?”, Narita asked.

They nodded together.

Nishinoya leaned on his hands behind him. “Ryuu has known for awhile now. I was waiting to tell more people because I just told the third-years not too long ago, and I wanted to space out telling people, y’know? Just so they can have time to process it, and also so  _ I _ have time to process telling them. I’m pretty open about it, honestly.” He looked at Chikara. “How did you figure it out?”

Chikara shrugged. “I don’t know, I just…liked someone in middle school that wasn’t a girl.”

Nishinoya nodded. “I was questioning for most of third-year in middle school, but then stopped last year when I met Asahi-san.”

“That is  _ not _ surprising in the slightest,” Kinoshita said. Narita snickered and hid his face, then Nishinoya and Ryuunosuke laughed with him. Chikara chuckled with them. They started studying again a few minutes after.

Chikara wasn’t big on impulsive decisions, but this had to be one of the best ones he could have ever made.

~

When everyone left, Chikara was quick to text Tadashi about the day. Tadashi was quick to apologize, saying how he didn’t mean to pressure Chikara into coming out. Chikara laughed at the message and quickly responded with a thank you. Without Tadashi, he wouldn’t have thought about coming out for awhile, maybe even after it was too late to tell anybody. He truly felt better about it. His friends were accepting, and Nishinoya even came out to  _ him _ . Talk about good luck.

A few minutes after Tadashi had gone to bed, Chikara got a notification from a different contact in his phone. He was surprised to see who it was from.

From: Tanaka Ryuunosuke

Subject: empty

Hey. You busy?

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

Nope, what’s up?

From: Tanaka Ryuunosuke

Subject: empty

I wanted to thank you for today.

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

For helping you study? I always help you guys, I don’t mind.

From: Tanaka Ryuunosuke

Subject: empty

No, not that.

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

Then what for?

From: Tanaka Ryuunosuke

Subject: empty

For telling us you’re bisexual. I know that it couldn’t have been easy to say, but I really appreciate that you trusted me enough to say something.

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

I wasn’t expecting that, thank you. And of course I trust you guys, you’re my closest friends.

From: Tanaka Ryuunosuke

Subject: empty

You’re welcome. I thought somebody should say something about it. I remember when Noya told me he was really nervous and was scared I would react badly.

It was really brave of you to talk about it.

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

It wasn’t *that* brave. I mean all I did was tell you that I like guys and girls.

From: Tanaka Ryuunosuke

Subject: empty

Well it’s a big deal to me, and I’m really happy you were able to tell people about it. 

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

Thank you.

From: Tanaka Ryuunosuke 

Subject: empty

Anytime.

Talk more tomorrow?

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

Yep. Goodnight.

From: Tanaka Ryuunosuke

Subject: empty

Goodnight.   


Then he went to bed, pleased with the day.

~

On Monday, Chikara and Tadashi planned on going behind the gym during lunch to talk about Saturday in more detail. It was a nice conversation, and they were both excited throughout the whole thing. On Tuesday they had lunch together again, but on Wednesday Hinata went around to the first-years before practice started, and asked about eating lunch together. Chikara spent lunch with the other second-years that day.

On Thursday morning, Hinata asked Tadashi about having lunch together again, but Tadashi turned down the offer, saying how he promised Chikara to spend the break together. He felt bad, but also didn’t want to leave Chikara again. He promised Hinata to have lunch together the next day, which the latter smiled at, then they split up for practice.

That afternoon, the first-years gathered in Yachi’s class again, but Tadashi was nowhere to be found. Kei didn’t look very happy to be without the other, but he knew that he would get scolded for staying in their class alone. Kageyama and Yachi had been a bit confused to see Kei alone, though, so, naturally, Yachi asked, “Is Yamaguchi not coming?”

Kei rolled his eyes at the thought. “No, he’s too busy having lunch with Ennoshita-san.”

Hinata smirked. “Seems like someone’s jealous.”

Kei glared at him, and Hinata jolted, turning his gaze back to Yachi, who said, “It seems like they’re getting along really nicely.” She looked up at Kei. “Don’t you think so?”

Kei just shrugged.

Kageyama didn’t even look up from his seat when he said, “Why are you freaking out about it? It’s not like you guys are dating or anything.” There was silence and he just scoffed, adding, “It’s like you like him or something.”

Hinata and Yachi turned back to Kei, who was looking away with a very slight pink tint to his cheeks. They looked at each other, then back at Kageyama. He was looking up now, his eyebrows creased together. “What?” He narrowed his eyes at Kei. “Don’t get mad at me, it’s not like I was being serious.”

Kei still didn’t say anything.

“Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’re jealous because you like Yamaguchi.”

Kei pushed up his glasses. “It’s not like it would ever happen anyway.” He looked down at his phone, desperately trying to get his cheeks to cool down.

Hinata and Yachi gaped at each other, and Kageyama just blinked.

~

After school that day, Hinata went straight to Yachi in the gym. “Did you tell Yamaguchi?”, she asked in a hushed voice.

“No,” he answered. “I don’t know what to do! I want to tell Yamaguchi, but Tsukishima would actually murder me if I did. I’m ninety-four percent sure he would, and I’m  _ one hundred _ percent sure that he would get away with it.”

Yachi gulped. “But they both like each other…”

To the side, Nishinoya was leaning over to Chikara, who was helping Ryuunosuke set up a net. “What do you think they’re whispering about?”

Chikara shrugged as Ryuunosuke looked out to the first-years, just as curious as Nishinoya. “Whatever it is, they seemed freaked out by it.”

Nishinoya had his arms crossed. “I’m gonna go ask.” He walked over to the first-years and popped up behind Hinata. “Hey, Shouyou.” Hinata and Yachi both jumped, yelping as they looked at Nishinoya. “What’s got you two so worked up?” They glanced at each other then stared at Nishinoya again. He had his eyebrows raised in curiosity. “What?”

“Yamaguchi and Tsukishima like each other,” Hinata blurted out in a quiet voice.

Yachi panicked more, while Nishinoya just smiled. “I guess that’s not too surprising. But why are you two freaking out about it?”

“Well, Yamaguchi told us about his crush a little while ago,” Hinata explained. “And today at lunch, Tsukishima was really jealous that Yamaguchi was having lunch with Ennoshita-san, then said how he likes Yamaguchi.”

“Damn, you got him to fess up to it?”

“Kageyama did.”

“That’s even more surprising.” He tilted his head to the side. “So what are you guys freaking out about?”

“Should we tell them?”, Yachi asked. “What do we do?”

“No! You can’t out Tsukishima like that. Let him go to Yamaguchi himself, it’s bound to come out at some point anyway. And Tsukishima will most definitely kill you if you intervene.”

“That’s what I said…”, Hinata mumbled.

“Why don’t you wait for one of them to make a move first?” He perked when an idea came to his head. “ _ Or _ ! You could try to get the other jealous to see if that pushes either of them to do something.”

Yachi’s eyebrows furrowed. “Make them jealous?”

Tadashi and Kei were seen walking inside and Nishinoya jolted. “They’re coming, so let’s talk about it later if we can. Maybe I’ll text you guys.” He nodded to Tadashi and Kei, greeting them, then jogged back over to Chikara and Ryuunosuke.

~

The next morning in the clubroom, Hinata went up to Tadashi and Kei almost as soon as they had walked in the door. He was immediately asking about having lunch together again that day. Tadashi almost declined, saying how he was going to have lunch with Chikara that day, but Chikara intervened. He told Tadashi they could eat together next week, and that he should go with his friends. They  _ had _ been talking a lot lately, and weren’t talking with some of their other friends as often.

At lunch that day, Tadashi was standing next to Kei against a windowsill, while Hinata and Kageyama were on opposite sides of Yachi, sitting at desks. Hinata and Yachi hadn’t stopped thinking about Nishinoya’s words the other day. Would it be worth it to try and create jealousy between two friends, especially those who were as close as Tadashi and Kei? What if something went wrong? They didn’t want to ruin their friendship, they wouldn’t forgive themselves for that.

But it couldn’t hurt to try at least a little, right? If something started going wrong, they could stop at any time, and also explain to the two what they were trying to do. Knowing Tadashi and Kei, they weren’t going to do much on their own, especially when they both thought it was hopeless to get involved.

Hinata and Yachi glanced at each other while Tadashi finished saying something to Kei. When he finished and Tadashi looked over to them, they met his gaze. “You and Ennoshita-san seem to really be getting along,” Hinata said with a small smile. “You guys became close quickly.”

Tadashi nodded happily. “Yeah! He’s really nice. It’s nice talking to him, we’ve gotten to know each other really well. I like being friends with him a lot.” He smiled wide.

Hinata glanced over at Kei, who was glancing up from his phone every now and again. But his eyes were glued to the screen again. The former sucked in a breath and looked up at Tadashi again. He smirked and Tadashi’s smile faltered. He blinked. “What?”

“Do you  _ liiiike  _ him?”, Hinata teased.

Kei’s attention was grabbed immediately and he looked over at Tadashi, whose face had darkened with a blush. “No,” he mumbled.

“ _ Really _ ?”

Yachi giggled and Kageyama was looking up now, interested to see what Tadashi would say. It was most likely that he would spare Kei’s feelings, even if he  _ did _ like Chikara. (Even though he didn’t know about Kei’s feelings in the first place.)

Hinata was still smirking and Tadashi’s face was getting brighter. Kei eyed him, almost nervously. Hinata feared he went too far, especially when Tadashi started saying, “Oh, no, what if I do?”

Yachi could have sworn she saw Kei’s eyebrows furrow slightly, but he hardened his face, acting as if he wasn’t interested.

Hinata and Kageyama blinked at Tadashi. “Do you like him?”, Hinata asked, his smirk gone, and his tone serious.

Tadashi gulped. “I’ve never thought about it before. What if I do and I don’t even realize?” He paused. “Do you think  _ he  _ likes me? What do I do for this weekend?”

The three sitting down started at him, confused. “This weekend?”, Kei asked, surprising them.

Tadashi looked at him. “Yesterday, we agreed to hang out this Saturday after practice. What if I say something to him and he thinks that I’m weird?”

Kei put his phone in his pocket, his full attention now on the conversation. “Does that mean we’re not studying tomorrow?”

Tadashi looked guilty. “Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry, Tsukki, I could reschedule with him for Sunday.”

“Don’t bother, we’ll study on Sunday.”

Tadashi nodded. “O-Okay. Again, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Yamaguchi,” Hinata started, “you know that you and Ennoshita-san  _ could _ date if you wanted. Because if you both like each other…Who knows?” He smiled wide again. “I say go for it!”

Tadashi blinked. “Really?” He looked back at Kei. “What do you think?”

Kei only shrugged. “Do whatever makes you feel good. I’m not going to tell you what to do.”

Tadashi blinked a few more times, taking in his words. Then he nodded. “Thanks, Tsukki.”

“Whatever.”

Hinata and Yachi eyed each other. Maybe the jealousy thing wasn’t the  _ best _ advice to follow. Only time would tell, though.

~

Tadashi was still nervous for Saturday. He almost cancelled, but Hinata convinced him not to. After practice, Chikara walked with Tadashi and Kei to Tadashi’s house. He thanked them for letting him join, and Kei nodded silently to him. When Kei got to his house, Tadashi thanked him for walking with him and said they would talk later that night.

Throughout the afternoon, the boys stayed in Tadashi’s room. Chikara met his parents and they were very nice, then they left to run some errands for the day. When they left, the two ate something quick then went back to Tadashi’s room.

They sat on his bed, making small talk about school, the team, and their situations with Ryuunosuke and Kei. They both had been feeling a whole lot better from when they first met behind the gym, but it sometimes still bothered them that they couldn’t do much about what was going on. While on the topic of liking somebody as more than friends, Tadashi mentioned the conversation he had the day before at lunch.

“They thought that we liked each other,” he attempted to laugh. “I thought they were crazy.”

Chikara looked a bit lost.

Tadash looked guilty. “N-Not that you’re a bad person! You’re a  _ great _ person, I’m sure you’d be an amazing boyfriend to anyone! I just thought what they said was weird…”

Chikara chuckled. “I guess it  _ is _ a bit silly.”

“It is! And I tried to tell them that, but then I was busy worrying about what would happen today.” He sat up from his position of laying down. “It was so–“ He stopped himself, suddenly aware of how close their faces were. Their noses were practically touching, and Tadashi’s voice was a lot softer as he finished his sentence with, “dumb…”

Chikara nodded smally. “Yeah…” He gulped. He and Tadashi had gotten very close very fast. He hadn’t thought much about it before, but maybe it was because there were feelings between them that hadn’t been there before. Maybe this could be what finally got them out of their heads regarding Ryuunosuke and Kei. It could have been what they needed all of this time.

They leaned into each other, their lips brushing against the other’s softly and carefully. They pulled away almost as quickly as they met, their eyes opening slowly.

Maybe not.

They both were trying to hold back grimaces. Then their eyes met again. Tadashi started laughing, turning his face away embarrassedly as he covered his mouth. Chikara blinked at him. “What’s so funny?”, he asked.

Tadashi turned to him. “That was the  _ weirdest _ kiss I have ever had, and I haven’t even kissed anybody before!”, he laughed. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh, but it’s funny to me!”

“You didn’t like the kiss either?”

Tadashi laughed harder. “You said ‘either’! So it wasn’t just me!”

Chikara started laughing with him. “No, it wasn’t! You were right: that was nothing but  _ weird _ !”

Tadashi straightened himself out. “Let’s not do that again.”

“ _ Please _ . I’m fine with just being friends.”

“Me too.”

~

A little while into Sunday, Tadashi spoke to Hinata about Saturday. He mentioned the kiss, but only because Hinata had asked about the day. And he only mentioned it briefly, then said that they could eat lunch together on Monday, but Wednesday, he and Chikara would spend the break together.

Both Chikara and Tadashi knew that nothing else was going to happen between them, which they both were okay with. Tadashi made sure to tell Hinata this, and asked him to not tell anybody else what happened between them, especially Kei. That kiss only reminded him how much he liked Kei, and it was the same with Chikara, but with Ryuunosuke instead. Tadashi didn’t want to upset anybody in any way. And he definitely didn’t want Kei thinking he was thinking about dating Chikara. Chikara was a great guy, there was no doubt about it, but Tadashi didn’t feel that way about him.

On Monday, Tadashi briefly ran through what happened on Saturday (except for the kiss) with the first-years, and they were excited to hear about it, except Kei. Kageyama was indifferent, but Tadashi didn’t mind because he knew that at least Hinata and Yachi were eager to hear. Kei seemed a bit sluggish, though. He wasn’t paying attention very much, and was quieter than usual throughout the day. He had been that way a lot lately, and Tadashi wondered if it was because he had been around Chikara so often. On the way to the clubroom after school, Tadashi told Kei just the two of them would have lunch on Tuesday, and would catch up from the last couple of days, because it felt as though they hadn’t had much of a chance to talk.

On Tuesday, Kei seemed to have some of his old energy back. Nobody knew it was because he was happy to finally spend time with Tadashi again, but have it just be the two of them. They could talk about whatever they wanted and Kei didn’t have to worry about his feelings being revealed by accident because of Hinata. To his excitement, too, Tadashi didn’t talk about Chikara much. Not that Kei hated him, he just hated how he would get so jealous even though he was fairly confident that Tadashi and Chikara didn’t feel that way about each other.

By Wednesday afternoon, Tadashi walked Kei to Yachi’s class, said a quick hello to the other first-years, and then left to find Chikara behind the gym. Kei took his usual place in front of the windowsill, and Yachi immediately noticed his frown. It wasn’t the usual one he wore due to annoyance, it was…sad. He just looked defeated. She asked him about it. “Tsukishima, what’s wrong?”

He looked at her and gulped. “Nothing.”

“Liar,” Hinata said, crossing his arms.

“Shut up, shrimp.”

“I know you’re only calling me names to get a rise out of me so we can ignore your problem.”

“Since when did you become so smart, Sherlock?”

“Shut up and answer Yachi-san!”

Kageyama was glancing around at the students who turned their heads at Hinata’s outburst. “Lower your voice, dumbass.”

Kei sighed. “It’s none of your business.”

“Does it have to do with Yamaguchi?”, Yachi asked carefully.

“Did he tell you about the kiss?”, Kageyama asked, looking back down at his lunch. “Is that why you’re brattier than usual?”

Hinata looked at Kageyama, mortified. “You weren’t supposed to say that! Yamaguchi told me to not say anything!”

“That means you weren’t supposed to tell me in the first place, dumbass!”

“I only told you because I  _ had _ to because you were with me and read the message over my shoulder when I got it!”

“Because you weren’t answering me when I asked you who it was, and why you were being so weird!”

“Oh, my God, shut the hell up!”, Kei intervened. “What are you even talking about! What kiss and with who?”

Yachi was looking back and forth between Hinata and Kageyama. They looked up at Kei, then Kageyama muttered to Hinata, “You tell him. You know more than me.”

“ _ You _ were the one to let it slip!”, Hinata argued.

“Hinata!”, Kei yelled. “Tell me already!”

“Yamaguchi and Ennoshita-san kissed on Saturday!”

Kei’s eyes went huge. “They did? Why?”

Hinata fiddled with his fingers. “Yamaguchi told me that after our conversation last Friday, it was kinda messing with his head to see if he liked Ennoshita-san or not…But then they kissed and he said that neither of them felt anything!”

“Why would it mess with his head?”

“Because he didn’t know if he actually liked Ennoshita-san like that or if he liked–“ He stopped himself. “…somebody else more.”

Kei blinked, his shoulders remaining tense. “Who?”

Hinata looked at Yachi then to Kageyama. She nodded and Kageyama shrugged.

“ _ Hinata _ ,” Kei stressed. “ _ Who _ ? Tell me.”

Hinata met his eyes. “You,” he answered quickly. “You, he likes you.”

Kei froze. Did that mean all of the time he had spent hiding his feelings was a waste? He could have been telling Tadashi how he felt—dating him even—and being honest with him. Without another word, he was out of the classroom, telling the first-years that he would see them later at practice. Hinata looked at Yachi worriedly, wondering if what they had just done was a mistake.

Kei ran as fast as he could to the gym. He ignored all of the teachers telling him to slow down, and all of the students shouting at him angrily for bumping into them. Kei was only focused on the fact that it was still the beginning of break so maybe Chikara wasn’t with Tadashi yet. Maybe he could be alone with Tadashi long enough to tell him his feelings. He prayed that that was the case.

Barely any time had passed by the time he had managed to get behind the gym. Tadashi was leaning against the wall, phone in hand, and he was alone. Kei panted, smiling lightly, but then pushed it down as he neared Tadashi. “Yamaguchi,” he breathed out.

Tadashi looked up from his phone, and was shocked to see Kei. “Tsukki? What are you doing here?”

“I have to talk to you.”

Tadashi walked to Kei, meeting him in the middle. “Did you run here?”

Kei nodded, still panting slightly. “Where’s Ennoshita-san?”

“He said he was running a little late, Nishinoya-san needed his help with something.”

“Don’t date him,” Kei blurted out.

Tadashi blinked, confused. “Don’t date who?”

“Ennoshita-san.”

“ _ What _ ? Tsukki–“

“Listen to me.”

Tadashi just nodded, shutting his mouth.

“Hinata told me that you kissed him. Ennoshita-san, you kissed him. And if you like him, then that’s your call. I know that you’re really close to him, I know that you two get along.” He gulped. “And I know that I haven’t always been there for you, and I’m sorry, I should have been a better friend. Maybe I would have known that you like me if I had been.”

Tadashi’s eyes widened. “Tsukki, I–“

“But don’t date him because I haven’t been there for you. I  _ will _ be there for you, even if we don’t date. I’ll be nicer, and I’ll respect you more, I just…I like you. I’ve liked you since middle school, I’ve  _ always _ liked you. And Hinata said that you like me…Was he lying? Because if he wasn’t…date  _ me _ , not Ennoshita-san.”

Tadashi blinked. Was that right? Kei had actually told him all of that? This was happening? Right now? He blinked a few more times and Kei’s eyes remained fearful.

Then, just like what had happened on Saturday, Tadashi laughed. He turned around and laughed loudly into his hands. Kei gaped at him, almost offended. “What’s so funny?”, he asked. Did Hinata  _ seriously _ lie to him about this? Was this some kind of sick joke?

Tadashi looked back at him and took his hands from his mouth, saying, “I’m so sorry, Tsukki. I don’t mean to laugh, it’s just…you thought I would date Ennoshita?”

Kei’s eyes remained fearful as he nodded. “Yes! You’re so close and friendly all of the sudden! What else would that mean?”

“Awe, you care!”, he exclaimed. “You care so much, it’s so sweet! But I’m not going to date Ennoshita! He’s a great friend, but nothing more. I don’t feel that way about him.” His head tilted to the side slightly. “But you didn’t have to pretend to confess to me in order to figure that out.”

Kei’s eyes narrowed. “What? ‘Pretend to confess’?”

“Yeah, I mean…you aren’t really interested in dating or anything like that.”

“ _ What _ ?”

Tadashi blinked, lost. “What?”

“Are you dense?”

“What do you mean? There’s no way you could actually like me.”

“What do you mean! Of course I like you!”

Any moment now, Tadashi would trip and fall, and screw this up. He would say something sappy and Kei would laugh in his face for being dumb for believing this. Or he would get hit in the head with a volleyball and snap out of a daydream. Or he would roll off the side of his bed and wake up from this dream.

But he didn’t wake up. Not even when Kei’s hands were cupping his cheeks and pulling him close. They were uncoordinated and Kei almost missed Tadashi’s lips entirely from the amount of adrenaline in him, which made his whole body shake.

When they pulled away, Tadashi was aware of his eyes watering and then a tear fell down his cheek. Kei panicked immediately. “I-I’m sorry, maybe I came off too strong.”

“No!”, Tadashi exclaimed. “You didn’t! Thank you!” He threw his arms around Kei’s neck, burying his face in the other’s shoulder. “Thank you, Tsukki!”

Kei wrapped his arms around Tadashi, smiling.

“Does this mean we’re dating?”

“ _ Duh _ .”

Tadashi giggled and picked his head up so they could separate. He saw Chikara standing at the end of the gym. Kei turned to follow Tadashi’s gaze, then looked down at his new boyfriend. “Right, you guys were supposed to have lunch.”

“We’ll talk at practice, Yamaguchi,” Chikara said quickly. His smile widened slightly. “You two have fun.” Yamaguchi smiled at him then waved as Chikara made his way back to the school. His smile remained on his face until he made it to the entrance of the building. He sighed quietly to himself as he made his way back upstairs to where the second-years were. Outside of the room, he stopped and leaned against a wall, quickly taking out his phone to text Tadashi.

From: Ennoshita Chikara

Subject: empty

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!（＾∇＾）

I’m so happy for you!!

Tell me everything that happened later today!

He pocketed his phone without waiting for a response then walked inside of the classroom. His friends watched him as he stood next to Kinoshita by the windows. “What happened to hanging out with Yamaguchi?”, Nishinoya asked.

Chikara just shrugged. “Something came up.”

“Is he okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine. He just needed to do something so I let him have his space.”

They nodded and Nishinoya turned back to Ryuunosuke. “What were you saying before, though?”, he asked somewhat quietly.

Ryuunosuke seemed to remember something, perking up. “Oh, right! This morning, Kiyoko-san said the cutest thing!”

This was a sadly familiar scene. Except now, Tadashi was dating somebody who he had just been crying over a few days prior, and now Chikara was back to being alone. Instead of frowning at Ryuunosuke’s words like he did the day he found Tadashi behind the gym, his lips curled up slightly. His eyes didn’t match the smile, and it was a pathetic look. But he had nothing to be sad about because Ryuunosuke was having fun with Nishinoya, talking about who they hoped to date one day. Kinoshita and Narita were mumbling jokes to each other and chuckling, like usual, and now Tadashi was in a relationship. He was happy, which was good! It meant progress for at least one of them.

A tear rolled down his cheek and his lips fell back down in a small pout. He barely felt Kinoshita nudging his arm, as Ryuunosuke asked what was wrong nervously. Chikara kept his gaze to the floor and left the room after mumbling meekly that he needed to use the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for how sad this chapter is, this was not my intention…...BUTTTT it will get better, I know exactly what will be in the last chapter so stick around for that because I’m going to start it as soon as I post this!!  
> Also, surprise! There’s going to be a fourth chapter to this! This story was only supposed to be three, but I didn’t know what this chapter would have so I gave myself a lot of ideas to end this, but it was too much for one chapter and I didn’t want to overwhelm anyone with a significantly longer chapter.  
> And I updated the tags again! I didn’t want to spoil anything by updating them before the chapter was posted, but now I can update them without worry (hopefully)! Hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading!


	4. not alone.

Chikara was barely speaking anymore. For the rest of the week he blamed unread messages and missed phone calls on the fact that he was tired and focusing on studying a lot more than usual. Tadashi saw through his lies, but he didn’t know how to approach Chikara. Their friendship had been built on the fact that they both had hopeless feelings for their friends, but now that wasn’t the case anymore. Only one of them was stuck in that situation. Tadashi didn’t want to stop speaking with Chikara, especially considering how they would see each other in the mornings and afternoons due to practice. But it wasn’t just that. They had had so much fun together over the last few weeks. They grew close so fast, and that wasn’t a coincidence. They both enjoyed their time together, and Tadashi wanted  _ more _ time with Chikara.

The team had found out that Tadashi and Kei started dating fairly quickly. They were all happy for the two, and it gave them the chance to come out to more people.

Tadashi still tried texting Chikara at night after practices, but would rarely get an answer. In the morning, he would get the excuses that Chikara fell asleep or that his phone had been dead. Tadashi tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it was hard to do that when Kei would tell him otherwise. With the other second-years, it was the same thing. They were all worried, and didn’t know what was going on.

On Saturday, Chikara didn’t study with anybody after practice, and he didn’t even touch his phone on Sunday. He turned off his messages to avoid having to answer any, and spent the day alone. On Monday, he was planning on spending lunch alone, but Tadashi showed up to his classroom before he could leave the room. Chikara went to him, confused, and Tadashi brought him behind the gym. The walk was quiet, and Tadashi’s eyebrows were furrowed in concern the entire time.

When alone, Tadashi turned to him. “Talk to me,” he said.

Chikara still looked confused. “About what?”

“You know what. For the last week, you’ve been moping around. And you’re barely answering my messages anymore. I bet you don’t answer anybody else’s either.”

“I just don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s what I said, but you didn’t let me keep it to myself. I felt better after talking about it.”

“What?”

“When I said that I didn’t want to talk about this kind of thing weeks ago, you told me talking about it would make me feel better. And you were right.”

“You also felt better when you started dating the person you were talking about.” It came out harsher than he had meant it to.

“So does that mean that our friendship is over just because one of us is dating someone?”

“No, I just need space.”

“I gave you space, everybody did.” He took a step closer. “Ennoshita, I want to help you.”

“But you  _ can’t _ .”

“Why?”

“Because you’re dating the person who you’ve liked for the last few years. The person I’ve liked in that way is straight. We aren’t in the same situation anymore, Yamaguchi, and we never  _ were _ in the same situation. Tsukishima is gay, Tanaka is straight. He likes Shimizu, and I’m not Shimizu—I’m not a girl in general.”

Tadashi looked sad. He wanted to do more, but Chikara was right: there wasn’t much he could do. He just stayed silent, letting Chikara talk. He needed to get everything off his chest, and he seemed to be doing that for the first time in a week.

“He likes Shimizu,” Chikara repeated in a calmer tone. “And I’m not her, I was cursed with being me instead.”

Tadashi shook his head. “That’s not a curse. It just means that it wasn’t meant to be. And you told me not too long ago that Tsukki isn’t the only person out there. Well, the same goes for Tanaka-san.”

“But now you’re dating Tsukishima. Tanaka can never like me in the way that you two like each other.” He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “This is dumb.” He looked at Tadashi guiltily. “I should be happy for you. I should be  _ ecstatic _ for you, because you’re happy. I should be asking you a million questions, and we should be staying up all night talking about this. Instead, I’m just making you feel bad.”

Tadashi shook his head. “I don’t care.”

“You should. I’m not being fair.”

“I don’t care about that. You’re upset.”

Chikara stared at him, the guilt climbing up his throat. He felt ready to burst. “It’s not fair,” was all he could say.

Tadashi nodded. “I know.”

“It’s not fair,” he repeated.

Tadashi nodded again. “I know.”

“It’s not  _ fair _ . I like him so much…and he can never feel the same way…”

Tadashi closed the gap between them and pulled Chikara into a tight hug. Chikara didn’t fight it, just letting his head fall into Tadashi’s shoulder as he continued to say, “It’s not fair.”

~

After school, Chikara left the clubroom almost as quickly as he arrived, not saying much to anyone. Nishinoya eyed Ryuunosuke, then Kinoshita and Narita, who were all shrugging helplessly. Nishinoya sighed, going to leave, but stopped when Tadashi and Kei walked into the room. The second-years left without him and Nishinoya went up to Kei. “Can I talk to Yamaguchi alone?”

Kei eyed him. “Why?”

“Don’t be difficult with me, I have to talk to him about something important.”

Tadashi looked up at Kei. “Tsukki, it’s fine. I’ll meet you in the gym, okay?”

Kei sighed. “Okay, fine.” He nudged Tadashi’s shoulder. “Don’t take too long.”

“I won’t.”

Nishinoya waited for Kei to leave the room then made sure there was nobody left in the clubroom. Tadashi continued changing, waiting for Nishinoya to speak. Then, “Do you know what’s going on with Chikara? Has he talked to you at all?”

Tadashi blinked down at him. “Uh…He talked to me today,” he answered. “But I can’t tell you what he said.” Nishinoya looked irritated so Tadashi spoke quicker. “I want to, but it’s really personal. I’m sure if you asked him about it privately, he would say something, though. I wish I could tell you more, honestly.”

Nishinoya crossed his arms. “How did you get him to talk to you?”

“I went to his class at lunch and brought him behind the gym to talk. There’s usually no one back there during the break.”

“How did you find that out?”

“Doesn’t matter. Just try to get him back there tomorrow and talk to him then. Or call him. He may not answer his phone, though.”

“He won’t. He hasn’t been since last week.”

Tadashi sighed, putting his uniform next to his backpack. “I know…I wish I could do more to help him.”

“I’ll see what I can do tomorrow.” He opened the door to the clubroom, letting the first-year out. “Thanks, Yamaguchi.”

That night, Nishinoya texted Chikara, who had gone home alone.

From: Nishinoya Yuu

Subject: Tomorrow

We’re talking at lunch tomorrow.

You’re not getting out of it.

I seriously have to talk to you tomorrow.

Chikara sighed loudly, tossing his phone aside. Nishinoya would probably forget about it by the morning. He turned on his side, pulling his blankets to his chin then shutting his eyes.

~

Nishinoya didn’t forget. Before practice the next morning, he reminded Chikara of how they were going to meet at lunch. Then at lunch, Chikara had tried to hide in the library, but Nishinoya had gotten to his class quicker than expected. On the way to the gym, Chikara kept asking what Nishinoya was doing and where they were going. Nishinoya only said, “We’re talking behind the gym.” He must have spoken to Tadashi.

Behind the gym, Nishinoya stood in front of Chikara with arched brows and crossed arms. “Since Yamaguchi and Tsuksihima started dating, you’ve been really different. You need to talk because we’re all nervous.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Chikara tried.

“Wrong answer.” Chikara looked at him, surprised. “Yamaguchi said there  _ is _ something wrong, and I want to know what to do to help you.”

“There’s nothing you can do.”

“Do you like Yamaguchi? Is  _ that _ the issue?”

“No, I don’t like Yamaguchi like that.”

“Then what is it Chikara? You’re scaring me.”

“I like Tanaka, okay?”, he snapped.

Nishinoya gaped at him, his arms falling to his sides. He was  _ not _ expecting that. “You…You like Ryuu?”

“Yes, I do.” He groaned and sat against the wall of the gym. “So, why do you want to know?”

Nishinoya blinked. “I…” He sat next to Chikara. “I’m really worried about you.” His tone was surprisingly soft. He turned to face Chikara, who just stared ahead. “So why were you and Yamaguchi talking so much for the last few weeks?”

Chikara’s voice was calmer. “Because he was in the same situation with Tsukishima. I ran into him behind the gym a few weeks ago and we talked during lunch, and then we just started getting closer. We were helping each other out.”

“But now he’s dating Tsukishima.”

“Yeah, I can’t talk to him about this. I don’t want to bring him down because I feel bad about something. He should be able to be happy about dating someone.”

“What about yesterday? He said that you guys talked.”

“He checked up on me, but all I did was make him feel bad about being happy.”

“I think you have every right to be upset. You like Ryuu, and you’ve been hiding it all this time, and he’s straight. That’s gotta hurt.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I’m serious. It sucks. And we spend so much time with him, it probably just reminds you of everything. Is that why you and Yamaguchi were hanging out so often?”

“I guess. He’s a really good person, though, so I liked being around him. I missed you and everybody else, but it was too hard. At a certain point, I just had to distance myself so I could try and forget about my feelings. But now, it just feels like I have nobody to help me forget, and it’s all I can think about. I don’t want to stop being Tanaka’s friend, though.”

“You just want to stop liking him like that.”

“Yeah.”

“I get it. Sometimes I’m like that with Asahi-san. I want to just see him as a friend again so things aren’t complicated. I don’t even know if he likes guys or not, and it fucking sucks because I’m terrified of fucking something up.”

Chikara nodded, continuing to look out. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Maybe write about it.”

Now he was looking at Nishinoya. “What?”

Their eyes met. “Write it down. If you can’t talk about it, maybe writing will help.”

“Where did you hear that from?”

“When my feelings for Asahi-san started to get stronger, I looked up how to deal with them. Someone suggested that if I didn’t have anyone to talk to, or if I didn’t  _ want _ to talk, I should write it down. There are, like, three journals filled with writing about Asahi-san shoved under my bed right now.”

Chikara blinked. “Three?”

Nishinoya nodded. “Yep.”

“Did it help?”

“Hell yeah. And if you ever feel like it, you can talk to Ryuu about it. I’m sure he would try to understand.”

“There isn’t anything he can do.”

“True. But it’s just an idea.”

Chikara nodded silently.

“Are you going back to class, or are you gonna stay out here?”

“I think I’m gonna sit here for a little longer.”

“Well, I’ll leave you for a bit then.” Nishinoya stood. “Think about what I said, okay? It could seriously help. And you don’t have to show anybody anything you write, if you choose to try it out. It’s all personal.”

Chikara nodded again. “Yeah.”

“Well, I’ll see you later. Don’t be late to class.” He started to walk away.

“Nishinoya,” Chikara called quickly.

Nishinoya turned, stopping. “Yeah?”

“Thank you,” he breathed out. “Thank you so much.”

Nishinoya grinned. “See you at practice, Chikara.”

~

He was still quiet for the week. But it was evident he was doing better slowly but surely, which was reassuring for the team. Chikara decided to text Tadashi after practice on the day where he spoke with Nishinoya. He told Tadashi about the journaling idea, and after sleeping on it, he began to try it out.

Tadashi texted Nishinoya that same night and thanked his upperclassmen for talking to Chikara. Nishinoya thanks Tadashi for the idea to talk to him in the first place. Afterwards, they decided to check in with each other if they knew anything more about Chikara as time went on.

That Sunday, Chikara apologized to Tadashi and the second-years for being so distant and acting harshly to them when they were just trying to help. At this point, he had been doing significantly better, and had been journaling for a few days. There was finally a place for his thoughts to go and he felt slightly lighter whenever he shut the journal after writing an entry, no matter how long or short it was.

Chikara had sent his friends separate messages when apologizing and made sure to not copy and paste anything. All of them refused to let him apologize, which shocked him. They told him how it was okay for him to need time alone. Ryuunosuke told Chikara that if he ever needed anything, he could trust him to listen no matter what was going on.

That same night, Chikara opened his notebook at his desk to write a new entry. Even though it was already somewhat late, Chikara didn’t stop writing until he got everything out. When he finished, it was close to two in the morning, but he didn’t care. He felt good. He shut his notebook and went to bed. He knew he would be exhausted at practice, but that was okay with him because maybe he would be able to enjoy his time there.

~

During lunch that day, Chikara asked to be alone. His friends respected this, and he went to the library, finding a table to sit at by himself. He laid his notebook from the other night in front of him and decided to write another entry about how he was feeling after writing what he had the other night. However, he ended up looking at the pages he filled already up. Luckily nobody was too close to him, so he didn’t have to worry about somebody seeing.

Then he flipped to the entry he wrote the night before. Under the date, was messy and rushed writing, something common in his entries. He wrote fast, wanting to get everything out, not caring if it made sense or not. Last night had been one of those nights.

Tanaka is making me upset and he shouldn’t be. I like him a lot, and that isn’t his fault. But who else am I supposed to blame? I shouldn’t be trying to find anyone to blame in the first place. It’s nobody’s fault, I just need to get over this. Yamaguchi and Nishinoya said what I’m feeling is understandable, but it doesn’t make me feel any less alone. I still feel like I’m completely by myself with this. I had Yamaguchi to talk to about this, and he  really understood it, but now I don’t have him. It feels like that at least. I wish that I was happier for him. Tsukishima is really lucky to date someone as good as Yamaguchi. He’s such a nice person, and he’s understanding, and he’s a good listener too.

I’m still really upset that Tanaka won’t ever feel the same way about me. I’m in a really horrible place where I feel like I should be talking about how I’m feeling, but I don’t even know where to start. And it’s not Tanaka’s fault that I feel this way, but it’s also not my fault either. So, again, who do I blame for this? Can I even blame anyone for this? Probably not. It would be easier if I could. But I guess that’s not how this kind of thing works. Then again, I probably shouldn’t have just kept everything to myself the way I did. I know that everyone told me it was okay to have time to myself, but I probably should have said something in advance because I seriously scared everyone.

It’s hard accepting that this isn’t my fault a lot of the time. I know that I can’t control who I have feelings for, and what I feel for somebody, but it’s still hard to not feel mad at myself for it.

Honestly, when I stopped talking to everybody last week, I scared myself. Like how I scared everybody else. I didn’t know what I would do. I was terrified that I would get to a place beyond return. For some time, I thought I was already there. I’m lucky to have the friends that I do. Without them, this could have ended so much worse.

I want to tell Tanaka how I feel, but I know that he would just blame himself for everything, and I don’t want that. I also don’t want things to be weird between us. Obviously, I’ve been acting differently so things are already a bit weird, but I don’t want them to get worse. I want Tanaka to just continue being him without feeling guilty about what I’m feeling. Nobody can make me feel a certain way, my feelings are just the way I process something.

At this point, I just want things to be normal. I don’t even know what normal is though. I want to see my friends as just my friends, but then again Tanaka isn’t just a friend. He’s not my boyfriend and  probably won’t ever be, and I’ve come to terms with that. (I think I have at least.) I don’t see him as just my friend though, I see him as something more than that that isn’t romantic. (If that’s even possible.) But he’s special to me. All of my friends are, I love them so much, and I’m incredibly thankful to have them in my life.

Tanaka is one of the nicest people I’ve met, and he’s really caring. I hope that one day Shimizu accepts his feelings and reciprocates them. She would be extremely lucky to have him, anybody would be.

I just hope he’s happy. Of course I want to be happy too, but I feel like that will take awhile to achieve. I may always be upset about never being with Tanaka, but at least he’s my friend. At least I have him in my life, and I may even be lucky enough to have him in my life  after high school. I hope that’s the case because I can’t imagine what my life would look like without him. It’s honestly scary to think about not talking to Tanaka (or any of my friends) after high school.

I just hope one day I’ll look back on all of this and laugh. I hope I can laugh at how ridiculous I may seem to myself when I’m older. Maybe tomorrow I’ll think about this entry and just cringe at how ridiculous I may sound.

But for now, hopefully I can work on feeling better. It would be nice to enjoy lunch with my friends and be happy again. Even if I’m only happy in that moment, I’ll take it. It’s better than always being miserable. But I guess everybody just wants to be happy. Only time will tell. At least I know that I’m not alone with this because, even if they don’t understand what it’s like (and I hope they don’t, because it sucks), I have my friends at my side, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

That was a cheesy ending, but I guess it’s good for an entry like this.

Again, I hope I can laugh at how ridiculous this sounds one day.

Chikara stared down at his notebook then shut it after a few more seconds. He looked up at the clock on the wall and saw that there was about twenty minutes of the break left. It dawned on him in that moment that he missed sitting with his friends. Even if Ryuunosuke  _ did _ talk about Shimizu, and even if Kinoshita teased all of them for different reasons just to annoy them, and even if Narita snickered at it, and Nishinoya turned heads by shouting at them or about something else, Chikara missed being there for that.

He looked down at the book in front of him, then left to his classroom to put it away. He didn’t want to look at it until he got home later in the day. Once it was gone, he rushed to meet the second-years. When he was in the doorway, Kinoshita saw him first and smirked, saying, “Look who decided to show up.” Narita snickered and Nishinoya eyed them, but Chikara still smiled as he took his spot next to Kinoshita in front of the windowsill. Ryuunosuke greeted him, and Chikara smiled wider at him. While Kinoshita said something else to Nishinoya, who was starting to shout at him for it, making Narita snicker again, Ryuunosuke, who had been laughing, looked up at Chikara, who was also laughing. Their eyes met, and they stopped laughing. Ryuunosuke grinned widely, and Chikara smiled back at him, sweetly.

Chikara burned the notebook that night. He felt lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s it! Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed the story, I had a lot of fun writing it!  
> I didn’t give Ennoshita a very happy ending, but it wasn’t necessarily sad. I wanted to be a bit realistic with the ending, so that’s why only one character ended up dating somebody, and the other didn’t. I didn’t want to leave Ennoshita all sad though, so I gave him something a bit bittersweet. I actually had a few different ideas that were all angsty, but they were either too messy to.  
> But anyway!! I have a lot of other ideas planned out so hopefully I get around to writing those very soon so I can share them! Again, thank you so much for reading!!!  
> **also I made a playlist for this story so I could get in the mood while writing  
> here:  
> Fire Flower (cover) by Toshiki Masuda (this is Ennoshita’s voice actor!!), War of Hearts by Ruelle (acoustic or regular), Count on Me by Bruno Mars, Bluebird by Sara Bareilles, Trust by Christina Perri, Ocean Eyes by Billie Ellish, Yuri On Ice from Yuri!!! On Ice, I Don’t Wanna Love Somebody Else by A Great Big World)


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